The Evolution of Santa Claus

You know, it's funny. In times past, various groups and individuals have come forth claiming that Santa is really Satan (Notice the two names are anagrams of one another). He comes to steal the attention and focus of Christmas for himself by making it all about the gifts, getting, greediness and gadgetry.

They often point out how Santa wears the red suit just as, like everybody knows, Satan does also. They might suggest that Satan, taking pride in his or her own clever sense of irony and cunning deceit, puts his alter ego not in the hottest place but rather the coldest place on earth, the North Pole. Which you must admit, is pretty clever. He invades folks' homes and "descends" down into their fiery pits; alluding to the fact that he is comfortable and at home in flaming-hot infernos. I am sure you can guess why that is. This Satan Claus is famous for being the bearer of "gifts" that are crafted by elves which are, in Norwegian folktale, the spawn of demons and even more powerful and evil than their parents.

Then he eats cookies that are left especially for him by the homeowners. This one sneaks by a lot of decent people, but it is actually quite blasphemous. It’s more recognizable by the eastern religions. Hindus for instance frequently leave sweets as an offering to the divine. Incidentally, it seems like Buddha would be the one most apt to go for the sweets, being by far the chubbiest deity. But anyway don’t forget that the Jews offered food for animal sacrifices also. Satan disguised as a gift giver is very eager and proud to blatantly take, for himself, the sacrifices that belong to the Lord, which is what he is doing by eating the cookies as Santa Claus.

The allusions go on and on. In fact, it’s disturbingly obvious isn’t it? So much so that I finally realized it’s all a sham. Yes, you read that correctly. Satan has been framed!

By whom you ask? By the True Deceiver: Charles Darwin the evil-utionist, of course. I realize that it’s hard to see at first considering that you’ve always assumed that Santa is the Prince of Demons. But Ho-Ho-Hold your horses, tiny tot! You must now open your eyes to see, as the gift of truth behind Darwin’s colorfully papered sham is excitedly unwrapped. Prepare to have your stockings blown off!

What is the biggest hole in the theory of evil-ution? Mutation. While mutations actually do occur occasionally in various organisms, they are, for one, quite uncommon. Secondly, it is exceptionally rare that mutations could ever be considered beneficial to an organism. This is the largest hole in evolution, yet one on which the theory heavily relies.

So what does Mr. Darwin do? He dons a flamboyant suit and flies his sleigh directly into that hole. He does this in order to make the world comfortable with the idea of beneficial mutations. If you haven't yet figured it out, of course, I am talking about Santa's most valuable asset, Rudolph, the so-called Red-Nosed Reindeer!

Now is the light bulb coming on over your head?

Think about this: First an entire super-race of mutant reindeer suddenly acquires the abilities of flight and speech. But even more, Rudolph’s nose, an otherwise preposterous notion is nothing more than a subtly disguised mutation! At first in the story, the mutation is more realistic, being non-beneficial to the organism, Rudolph. The other reindeers, because he is different, laugh and call him names, as well they should. But then Darwin Claus steps into the scene, sporting his ridiculous crimson velvet get-up, explaining to all of his reindeer why the shinny nose belonging to this freak of nature, Rudolph, is a wonderful ADAPTATION, a blessing in disguise; Why his MUTATION is BENEFICIAL to the species and to the WORLD!!!

Now, do you see what I mean? It’s been there all the time right under our non-luminescent noses. It almost makes you feel sorry for poor Satan doesn't it?

My Friend Catt, the Mute

You know, it's funny. Some time ago I became friends with a mute named Catt. Well, actually, his real name is Matt but everybody calls him either "Catt" or "Matt the Catt". I guess it’s because cats aren’t very noisy and neither are mutes.

I thought he must be a pretty funny guy when I found out that he named his cat: Mute. That’s pretty good: Catt the mute owns Mute the cat.

Our friendship works really well because he’s a very good listener. I suppose you could argue that he has no choice since he can't talk and I can’t read sign language. Either way he’s a good listener.

I think he really wanted to be friends with a speaking person even though usually, mutes tend to be friends with other mutes. I mean they are not prejudice people or anything. It’s just that they have a lot in common.

Catt liked me from the start. I suspect it was because even though I am a very clever individual, I’m not one of those guys who says jokes like, “Hey, whatsamatta? CAT got your tongue?” That’s got to get old after a while.

I guess it's a status thing for mutes to be friends with speaking people. In the same way it would be for me if I were friends with a professional athlete, or someone who possesses an ability that I don't have. My other friends might think it enviable that I was friends with the pro athlete: That’s what I mean by status.
So because of that, he is friends with me and ends up listening to me all the time. At first I wondered if he could hear me because I kept talking and he never replied; so I asked him if he could hear me; and he nodded. It was great not to get a lengthy explanation about how mutes are not deaf, but rather just an efficient nod. I appreciate that about Catt.

It's really nice to have a friend who always listens and never unloads the tough parts of their life onto you. If fact I really don't know much about Catt at all.

The only part that sucks is this: when we go out for beers and the waitress asks, "Is this going to be on separate checks?"

Well, see that really leaves me in a precarious situation. I have to either look like a selfish miser and always say, "Separate" or say, "One,” and pay for his. And why should I do that just because he can’t talk? He can pay for his own damn beer!

In fact, often, Catt does pay for my beer. He just grabs the bills when she brings them, but nonetheless, I really feel stuck in such a predicament.
It makes me wonder how mutes can be friends with other mutes, because if they went to a restaurant or something, it would be a real pain, since you couldn't tell the waitress what you wanted to order. Sure you could point at the menu item, but you wouldn't be able to explain the fact that, "Hey, just so you know I'm mute so I won't be saying anything tonight."

And then it would be awkward when the manager guy comes around to ask how everything tastes. If it tasted really crappy you’d either have to gesture like you were going to vomit or else you'd both just have to sit there staring at him until he went away which would be potentially awkward.

You could try to communicate with gestures to indicate that you can’t talk, but I am sure that you don’t do that if you are mute because it just gets old after a while; and you get sick and tired of it and give up.

Your whole life would be like a game of charades. Charades is a really fun game, but if you had to play it all day everyday for you’re whole life I’ll bet you wouldn’t think of it as a game after a while.

But I like that game, which gets me thinking: I should ask Catt if wants to play charades sometime. On the other hand maybe not; he’d be so good that I would end up looking foolish just because I don’t sit around practicing all day everyday like he does. Besides he wouldn’t be able to shout out guesses to my charades so I would lose anyway. Screw that! I guess Charades really only works with teams.



It sure would be a hassle to learn sign language. Not only would I feel weird signing in public, because it looks so conspicuous. It’s like “Enough with the boisterous gestures already!” Plus, those kinds of guys who make the Cat-got-your-tongue joke whenever they saw you signing they would do the Jedi-Knight motion with their hand and say, “You will go buy me a beer right now” and laugh as they walk away.
But also if I could sign, I'd have to listen to Catt all the time. And that would really be weird because if I truly got to know him, I might not even like him at all, which could completely ruin our friendship.