American Standard

I remember as a 1st grader, going to church every week which used a particular version of the bible that at the time, was popular as much as any version of the bible could ever be popular anyway.

It was called the “American Standard” version. Although I had no such thoughts at the time, I now realize that anyone who thinks critically about the bible at all would not willingly consider using either one of these words to describe it, let alone both together. Nonetheless, that is exactly what it was called, but that's a side-point.

Anyway the thing was: in the church my family attended, there was a particular restroom which was the one I thought was cool to use because it was not in the main area for the masses of congregants. I knew the way and the doors leading there were usually left unlocked.

It was through a door that was behind the pulpit area, up a winding stairway and through a threshold just tall enough for me, a 1st grader to walk through and touch the top.

I did this every time I went in there because reaching the top of the door frame, somehow, made me feel like a full grown man even though I was well aware that the door was originally built for a short-decrepit humpback or perhaps a leprechaun.

The thing was: I felt the presence of the toilet bowl was blasphemous because on the rim of the toilet behind the back of the seat and lid were these words “American Standard.”

The first time I noticed this, I could not believe my eyes and it made me feel a little sick. All I could think was what wicked, mocking Devil-worshipers these toilet manufacturers must be, having the gall to paint the name of the Holy Bible on their toilets – such vile receptacles.

What I found even more disturbing was that whatever committee there was in charge of ordering the toilets at the church could be so culturally unaware as to let such a profanity slip into the walls of the sanctuary restroom without their knowledge and without a buzz or a hullabaloo erupting among the community.

I remember going to someone in charge and demanding that the sacrilegious bowl be removed from the restroom; otherwise, I could no longer worship there.

It was shortly thereafter explained to my satisfaction that the defacement had been hastily implemented. I was, furthermore, informed that because I had been so traumatized by the experience, the board was concerned that even mere memories of the impious object could potentially hinder my spiritual journey, so the door would be kept locked and I would no longer be permitted to use or even enter that restroom again.