The Evolution of Santa Claus

You know, it's funny. In times past, various groups and individuals have come forth claiming that Santa is really Satan (Notice the two names are anagrams of one another). He comes to steal the attention and focus of Christmas for himself by making it all about the gifts, getting, greediness and gadgetry.

They often point out how Santa wears the red suit just as, like everybody knows, Satan does also. They might suggest that Satan, taking pride in his or her own clever sense of irony and cunning deceit, puts his alter ego not in the hottest place but rather the coldest place on earth, the North Pole. Which you must admit, is pretty clever. He invades folks' homes and "descends" down into their fiery pits; alluding to the fact that he is comfortable and at home in flaming-hot infernos. I am sure you can guess why that is. This Satan Claus is famous for being the bearer of "gifts" that are crafted by elves which are, in Norwegian folktale, the spawn of demons and even more powerful and evil than their parents.

Then he eats cookies that are left especially for him by the homeowners. This one sneaks by a lot of decent people, but it is actually quite blasphemous. It’s more recognizable by the eastern religions. Hindus for instance frequently leave sweets as an offering to the divine. Incidentally, it seems like Buddha would be the one most apt to go for the sweets, being by far the chubbiest deity. But anyway don’t forget that the Jews offered food for animal sacrifices also. Satan disguised as a gift giver is very eager and proud to blatantly take, for himself, the sacrifices that belong to the Lord, which is what he is doing by eating the cookies as Santa Claus.

The allusions go on and on. In fact, it’s disturbingly obvious isn’t it? So much so that I finally realized it’s all a sham. Yes, you read that correctly. Satan has been framed!

By whom you ask? By the True Deceiver: Charles Darwin the evil-utionist, of course. I realize that it’s hard to see at first considering that you’ve always assumed that Santa is the Prince of Demons. But Ho-Ho-Hold your horses, tiny tot! You must now open your eyes to see, as the gift of truth behind Darwin’s colorfully papered sham is excitedly unwrapped. Prepare to have your stockings blown off!

What is the biggest hole in the theory of evil-ution? Mutation. While mutations actually do occur occasionally in various organisms, they are, for one, quite uncommon. Secondly, it is exceptionally rare that mutations could ever be considered beneficial to an organism. This is the largest hole in evolution, yet one on which the theory heavily relies.

So what does Mr. Darwin do? He dons a flamboyant suit and flies his sleigh directly into that hole. He does this in order to make the world comfortable with the idea of beneficial mutations. If you haven't yet figured it out, of course, I am talking about Santa's most valuable asset, Rudolph, the so-called Red-Nosed Reindeer!

Now is the light bulb coming on over your head?

Think about this: First an entire super-race of mutant reindeer suddenly acquires the abilities of flight and speech. But even more, Rudolph’s nose, an otherwise preposterous notion is nothing more than a subtly disguised mutation! At first in the story, the mutation is more realistic, being non-beneficial to the organism, Rudolph. The other reindeers, because he is different, laugh and call him names, as well they should. But then Darwin Claus steps into the scene, sporting his ridiculous crimson velvet get-up, explaining to all of his reindeer why the shinny nose belonging to this freak of nature, Rudolph, is a wonderful ADAPTATION, a blessing in disguise; Why his MUTATION is BENEFICIAL to the species and to the WORLD!!!

Now, do you see what I mean? It’s been there all the time right under our non-luminescent noses. It almost makes you feel sorry for poor Satan doesn't it?