Coolwhipaphobia: Random Spouting on America’s Favorite Dessert Topping

Hello, my name is @m; and I'm have Coolwhipaphobia

COOL WHIP.

Am I the only one who fears this . . . this . . . substance? Ok, I don't really FEAR the substance, but I am seriously concerned about a culture of people who will eagerly ingest, on a regular basis, things of such an ambiguous essence as that of Cool Whip.

I mean, break it down: You have the "Cool" and you have the "Whip". This tells us virtually nothing. That name is the polar opposite of descriptive. I would be ok with the 'Cool' portion as an adjective if the noun portion had any information. 'Whip' -
What the -?!?!
Think of it this way: You are eating something that is named not after the actual content of the product but rather vaguely after the process that gives it its texture. So all you can infer is that it’s stored in a refrigeration device, and as some point it was beaten around to some degree.

COOL WHIP: The content remains untold.

To solve this problem, the Political Science Division at Kraft Foods has Christened Cool Whip, as if it were a Self Help book, with an informative subtitle in order to shed light on this disturbing mystery. That slogan of final revelation is "Non-Dairy Whipped Topping". So you can see now that the Kraft folks have nothing to hide after all. I guess we can go home, accent our pies with fluffy clouds of sweet dreams and forget all about it.

GET REAL! This leads to more questions than answers! It's a Non-Something, in this case non-dairy. This description is so entirely non-descriptive that it would be every bit as accurate to call it “Non-Pancreatic Whipped Topping” OR “Non-Shag Carpet[*] Whipped Topping”. The ONLY things it tells you about the content is that there is one thing Cool Whip does not contain. Is that really enough information for something that we bodily consume? Check it out:

Ingredients: Water, hydrogenated coconut and palm kernel oils, corn syrup, sugar, sodium caseinate, dextrose, polysorbate 60, natural and artificial flavors, sorbitan monostearate, xanthan gum and guar gum. Artificial color.

Now, I am confused why would Kraft want to hide these wholesome components? (Sarcastic Tangent Begins Here): Doesn’t it just sound mouth watering when you put it that way? In fact, I remember when I was a boy; my mother went to the grocery store and picked up some hydrogenated palm kernel oil, sorbitan and guar gum. She’d initially forgot the xanthan gum, and had to go back in and find it. As it turns out, it was right next to the carrots; but anyway she made a good stir fry out of it; and doctored it up with some natural and artificial flavors, Mmmmm. She served it to me and my sister, who asked for seconds. It was a real storybook kind of dinner. Then we had Cool Whip dollops for desert.

Those were the days.


* I realize that under common conditions throwing the phrase "Shag Carpet" into any work of prose is an act which opens itself to be pegged as a pathetic comedic crutch, however, I still feel that in this case it is an appropriate usage with a reasonably high amount of humor value.